Hai...

Well, well, well...
Look who's updating her blog! 

Feeling crappy actually. 

I think I lost my ability dealing with pressure.  I try to take it one by one. Blocking each worry one at a time.  Otherwise I'll go crazy. 

I'm afraid he fail life. Because I don't prepare him enough. 
I'm afraid that he'd be alone.  
I'm afraid people will take advantages of him,  bully him. 

Sometimes I feel lonely in this autism journey. Nobody backing me up. It's hard. It's a long journey. 

Given

This beautiful boy is the greatest teacher in my life. He teaches me how to be patient (failing miserably today). He teaches that i am way stronger than i thought. He teaches me how to forgive and forget. How to let go and hold no grudges. How to smile and walk one step at a time while the storm is blowing. Sometimes life is suck (there's no other way to say it), but you pulled through. We pulled through. He's a reminder that i need to keep going, i need to keep learning. His fight is my fight.

oblada obladi...lalalalalaaaa...

Malem malem beginiii...adalah saat2 yg kadang tidak menyenangkan. Pikir2an suka pada nongol. 

Hari ini ga kemana2....given renang. Udah 2 minggu kayanya dia ga renang. Seneng de liat dia renang. Hepi dia....

Mulai yoga lagi nih...senangnya! Bisa find time buat olah raga. 

Mau ke bandung. Ngajak nyak jalan2. Kasian dia jarang jalan2....

Masih berdoa about dv. Semoga diberikan jalaann....amiiiiiinnn...please God please hear our prayers...

Moga2an given bobo nya enak malem ini. Amin...

Bobok ah 

i need a break

I need a break....
From motherhood
From Given...
From the dull days, just like today...

I need to be on my own.
I need to find me.

Its been SO long since i spend time for me. I need an escape. A fresh set of time just for me.

Its not being selfish.
I need to take care of me.
I need to refuel me.
I need to fill my glass.

Im tired.

the randomness of me

Dari kemaren dadakan pengen bikin tato. Something simple. Few words maybe.
Di both pergelangan tangan. Still no idea mau tulisan apa...

Pengen cukuuur. Will chop my hair short short shoooorrrttt (kalo mood belom berubah)

Need something sweet, literally and figuratively...

Life been too flat lately. Bosan. Is there something more out of (my) life?
Udah pada eneg kali ya denger gua ngoceh bosan bosan bosan...sorry! Emg bosan!

Pinggang sakit dari tadi subuh. Ga jelas kenapa. Need more exercise i think?

Ga napsu makan. Ga semangat ngapa2in. Cuma pengen pergi aja. Kemana kek gitu.

Im seeing dots....ga jelas bakalan jadi bentuk apa. Cuma dots dots dots...

Pengen hong tang or blackball...pengen steak.

Pengen nangis, tapi ga bisa dan ga tau apa yg mau ditangisin. Galau meeeen...

Kok kayanya gini2 aja sih?

far

Let's go somewhere far....

Let's enjoy the world from different side, literally! Go to the other side of the world. Somewhere far, somewhere new...

Let's taste different life once a while. Take a break from our current life... take a break from our troubles... 

I'm itching to travel. Again! 

Well well helloooww...
Long time no see...

Lagi nemenin bocah bobo siang...
He's 19 months now...
Beberapa hari belakangan ini keliatan akal dan logika nya uda jalan banget deh.
Contoh: dia mau masuk ke tudung saji (yes, hobi duduk didalem tudung saji), sedangkan dia ga nemu pegangan. Dia geret2 tu tudung saji pake kaki sampe dia nemu tempat untung pegangan. Masuk and duduk deh...smart!

Rambut juga udah makin tebel looh! Panjang...menuju kegondrongan we go!!

Makan pinterrr....
Demen banget nonton!

Kosa kata juga nambah...the newest is "come" 

Udah 2 bulan nih di jakarta. Barang2 belon di unpacked semua. Belom punya tempat tinggal fixed. 

Still struggling....it wasnt even my war...i hate the fact that i barely can do anything about this. Driving me craaazzeeh you know! 
It's hard to relax lately. Head gonna explode kayanya...
I just want to have a happy life. Yea yea dont give me the-life-is-a-decision theory, ok? Just dont..

This thing is affecting our relationship. In a negative way...gggrrr....

Hopefully we can bounce up soon...

jakarta

Udah 2.5 minggu di jakarta.
Udah betah? Not really.
Feel like home? Not yet. Soon, i hope.

Ga napsu makan deh..
I know im getting skinnier (and not proud!)...males ngaca. Males liat diri sendiri. Too much on my mind...

Given lagi clingyyyyy banget. Belom betah juga kali ya dia?

Capeeeekk rasanya akhir2 ini....cape mental. Pengeeenn istirahat. Take a good rest.

Sigh...

last night in bali

Ga percaya besok pindah. Beneran pindah. Back to jakarta. Place i used to call home for almost all my life, until we moved to bali.

Bali been great. I love my life here. Despite the narrow roads and slow phase people, bali is way better than jakarta.
People are nicer. Look at my neighbourhood. We still tegoran walao we dont ngobrol. I feel save here.
Ya namanya org jahat ada dibelahan dunia mana, tapi i feel org2 sini msh lbh sincere.

Dari pertama pindah i know we will go back to jkt. The plan was at least we live in bali for 5 years. I understand plan can change. But sometimes i wish we are the ones who change the plan. Not circumtances or others.
Berasanya i have no control over my life. Kaya anak kecil yg cuma dikasih free time and when the free time is up you have to go back.....

Im gonna miss looking at the blue sky.
Liat given denger suara aeroplane sambil angkat tangan dan bilang "ccccsshhhh" sambil senyum2...
Im gonna miss jalan tol yg bener2 berfungsi sebagai jalan bebas hambatan.
Im gonna miss liat given ke pantai. Jalan2 di pasir. Nendang2 ombak.
Im gonna miss suara ombak dan tampolan angin pantai.
Im gonna miss having my own place dengan segala kekurangannya.
Im gonna miss my ugly annoying kitchen.

Bintang banyaakkk deh malem iniii...
Gonna miss that too!

Dear God,  please please please help me to accept things i cannot change. Please please make my heart bigger.

Thank you for the 4 years ride. For the experiences, for the memories.
It's not good bye, Bali. We will see you again....

We are moving, again!
Most of the stuffs are packed.
Level of excitment? Minus 100....
Not looking fwd dealing with jkt's hellish traffic.
Im so gonna miss bali. It isnt perfect, but better than jkt.

Mellloowww melllooww kelabuuuu....

Tidur aja de

cerita ceriti

Ke singapur.
Tigaan aja. Cape but very enjoyable.
Ternyata kita bisa travelling tigaan aja..yaaay!

Given bobo and makannya pinter. Was so afraid dia kecapean trus sakit. Amit2 deh!

Di pesawat juga being a very good boy. Anteng...Ada lah jerit2nya dikit.

Hepi bener liat dia hepi. Exploring. Jalan sana sini. Pegang ini itu. He is very friendly. Semuaaa org diajak senyum2. Nurun dari sapa ya? Ade n me kan ga friendly2 amat.

Lagi demen bgt kereta api, aeroplane, eskalator, and travelator...haha...

Looking forward for our next trip! Yay!

mine or not?

Bite me!
I don't want to go back. Things are crumbling down. And it's not our doing. Why the hell harus kita yg bertanggung jawab? Kenapa harus kita yg clean the mess?
Oh i get it! Life isnt fair ye? Not always get what you want or the way you want it to be...

Crap!

Auk ah...

almost midnight

Gak bisa tidur...
Agak banyak pikiran somehow....
Mostly mikirin the future...iye, tau. Masa depan ya ga bisa  terlalu dipikirin...tapi ya kepikiran...

Takut ga bisa sekolahin given diinstitusi yg ok....oh parenthood!

Kinda bosan juga ama daily activities...
Emak2 homestay mom emg canggih! Haiya..
I sometimes wish i could go out...have a face to face adult conversation sama sapa aja deh...segitu desperadonya ya...
But it doesnt mean i love given less or nyesel mutusin jadi mak rumah tangga. Not at all...cuma one of those times aja. Jenuuuhh bahasanya mah...

Bisnis lagi agak sepi nih. Kepikiran juga...
Haiya...

Kangen jaman skola. Worrying abt grades only...belom kenal de sama yg namanya masalah hidup...belooommm...
Tapi ya namanya manusia yaakk...kl dah punya ini eeeh mau itu...

Ah capek ah...tidur aja..

cicit cuit...

Babeh and anaknya dah bobo dari tadi...
Maknya? Wide awake...huhuhu....

Si given si given....
Lagi belajar jalan dia. Sebenernya udah bisa berdiri unsupported tapi belom PD kayanya.
Kalo jalan pake dorongan bisa de dia sambil mesem2...ahahaha...bocah!

Ngomongnya uda lumayan banyak juga dia. Such as: mom, mam, mamam, ten, gin (green), baun (brown), bam (ball/baloon), bem (car), dad, bird, down, baba, dada, bye.
See....mayan kann?

Kalo ditanya "are u hungry?"
If hes hungry dia akan jawab "mamam". If not, dia geleng2...

Mulai kenalan sama macem2 makanan.
Suka susu coklat. Demen pasta. Keju. Kentang. Ubi. Anggur. Brokoli. Kembang kol. Butternut squash. Tempe. And lately, demen gadoin corn flakes...
Suka biskuit...cemilan laa...
Basically, he's not picky (thank God!!!)

Suka denger lagu. Denger gua, yg notabene suaranya sember dan budeg nada ini, nyanyi juga dia seneng.
Main soft toys, baca buku, nonton tv. Atau gua lenongin pake expresi muka...x

Sekarang dah bisa joget2 dikit2 kalo denger music yg dia suka. Baru angkat2 tangan aja sih..

Udah tau mana kepala. Tapi selebihnya belom...ahahh...dia ga mau kalo diajarin. Somehow cuma mau kepala doaaang. Heheheheh....

Lately lg apet bener ama gua. I dont mind at all cuma kadang i need a break aja. Im human mah...cape juga...kl ga bisa take care of my self gimana mau take care org lain. Ya toh?

Itu kira2 soal given....

Then what about gua?
Apa bedanya sih sejak punya title "mami/mom" ? Buanyaaakkk!!!!

Lebih bersukur and lebih mellow tentunyaaaa...
Everytime i see his eyes, i see love. I see how God loves us.
I see hope. I see faith. I see our answered prayer. I see one boy with a good heart (ameeennnn!!!!)
I see my world.
Lebay ya? Bodo ah...ahahaha...

I never tot tidur less than 8 hrs ga bikin gua bt. And given gerak dikit aja gua bangun. Dulu kan kebo bener!
Dulu tidur kudu gelep gulita, sejak ada given gak lagi...

Ga pernah nyangka gua bisa kasih asi exclusively. I always tot gua tipe org yg gampang nyerah. But look at me! Been breast feeding for almost 13 mos. I think a great support system is all mom need, bukan cuman soal asi aja sih. All aspects of motherhood.

Never into online shopping. But look at me now. Wehehehe...less time to go to the mall laaaaa...

Gua bedoaaaa supaya given sehat, pinter, confident, mau belajar hal2 baru, suka baca...

Gua juga bedoaaa that i'll be a wise mom. Amiiiiiinnnn....

Getting sleepy here!
Good night!

on his 1st birthday

Note: typed this on his birthday. Wanted to add more but i lost words. So yeaaa...

Dearest Given,

Happy 1st birthday, my boy!
You are rocking my world in a way I'd never imagine. May you grow into a loving, confident, smart yet humble human being. May you always surrounded by love and be a blessing to others. Dream high, my boy, as there is no limit! Be brave and chase your dreams. Fly and soar gracefully.
Love you a great deal, kiddo!

Given,
Your 1st birthday is a huge mark of your and my achievements.
You as a tiny person who I pray to do great things in life (amen).
Me as a mother.

You are a crawling master, but refusing to learn how to walk (that's okay, take your time). You (still) smile A LOT. You like the color green

ngoceh ngoceh

uda di jakarta sebulan nih...
apa kabare rumah ya? and mobil. accunya piye? masih idup apa ya?

given dah bobo. 
in 13 days he'll turning one. setaon sodara sodara....setaon!!
belom punya birthday cake buat dieee....aih! kue2 lucu di bali jelek2...gimana dong...

gigi nya udah 8. 
few nights ago tidurnya amit2 banget deh...tapi skrg dah oke lagi...

rambutnya juga uda mulai keliatan...ahahaha....nanti juga numbuh lagi...no worries deh..
nurun dari gua kayanya rambut tipis...

ni bocah camnya uda ngerti kalo diajak main. dah bisa ngisenging orang. ngerti gitu kayanya kalo dibilangin, tapi suka ngeyel aje...malah sengaja.

makannya gak picky. termasuk ga susah lah anak ini makannya. semua diembat...senang!
nurun dari bapake kayanya mah...secara ye gua ini picky....

enough ngoceh2 for now...gotta think besok bocah makan opoooo!

saat paling ga enak itu.....

..... saat anak sakit!
Kaya sekarang ini....huhuhu...

If i could take his place i would deh...really.
Mendingan gua yg sakit drpd given.

He's a baby gitu...kan kasian ga comfortable. Murang maring. Tidur ga enak. Badan ga enak. Huhuhuhu....

Down with fever since yesterday afternoon. Sempet turun tadi pagi...eeehh...kok skrg naik lagiii?  Kasian kaaaannn...huhuhu....

Lagi bobo sambil dipangku.

Moga2an get better soon ya given :)

Mami loves you

a little bit of this and that

Waddap?
Dah lama ya ga ngeblog.
Been busy taking care of given and works. Ples males juga sih....ga ada mood nulis...hehe

Given udah 9 bulan. Cepet yah...
Sehat. Smart. Uda bisa berdiri sambil pegangan. Makanannya uda mulai bertekstur. Giginya ada 6. Dah makan biskuit. Seneng diajak jalan2. udah bisa protes. Still friendly. Udah mulai ngenalin orang dan boneka2nya. Seneng buku.

I can go on and on abt him...ahahaha...

What abt me?
Banyak belajar sabar. Moga2an uda jadi lebih sabar dibanding dulu ya....
Amiiinnn...

kangen bisa ngopi tanpa buru2. Kangen punya kuku cantik. Kangen pijet.
kangen tidur seenak2 jidat. Kangen being alone....
Its doesnt mean i love given less.

Ah ngantuk....bobo dulu!

yellow

So....
Waddap?
Dah lama ya ga update blog.
Ga ada energy nya....

Life been great. up and down

Whats new?
Given apa kabar?
Gua apa kabar?

Given is awesome.
One happy healthy baby...
Udah 7 bulan.
Giginya uda 3.
Cepet ya.
Kinda hoping nanti aja tumbuhnya...
Makannya pinter. Thank God!


Gua..im okay. But tired.
longing for a good massage.
A me time. Dimana i can enjoy a cup of coffee and a piece of cake tanpa terburu2.

No, im not complaining.

Bobo dulu deh
Tired....

6 months

Given is 6 months today!
Ate his first solid today.
Alpukat.....mukanya menyeh2...
Was panicking takut dia ga suka...
Tapi ya namanya baru belajar yah....
Hopefully tomorrow better....ameeenn....

Giginya udah nongol 2 biji dibawah. Mungkin itu salah satu alesan kenapa tadi mam nya ogah2an. Sakit yaaakk gusinyaaa...

udah mulai bawel juga ngoceh2...
Ma-ma-ma
Mam-mam
Pa-pa-pa

Banyak gaya juga. Udah gedeee deh keliatannya...

Bobonya termasuk gampang yah....
Thank God!

Kalo ngantuk alis nya merah.

Friendly baby! Mesem2 molo prasaan ama orang2. Gak heran banyak yg gemes mo pegang. Kok judes nya gua kaga nular ya...

Expressive bgt deh anak yg satu ini...ahahaha

Sakit skali waktu 4 bulanan...disentri for 2 whole weeks! Wkt ukur suhu badan 39c ini jantung rasanya mau copot! Stress pisan! Untung cuma lemes sehari. My strong baby!

I thank God for his well being, his development, his presence in my life....

Semoga saya bisa jadi seorang mami yg baik...amiiinnnn